Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Floor bacon is actually really good
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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