The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
