God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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