Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
