my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
