just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
