she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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