So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
