before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
