Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
