i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
