I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
where does the pee come out of this thing
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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