Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
