I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
