just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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