I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
