I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
my liver is dry heaving
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
