woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
