He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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