what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize