Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
