summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
