Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
