I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
