white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
