i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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