Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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