WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
