U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
