The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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