I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
