I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
