mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
