i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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