I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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