just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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