The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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