He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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