Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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