did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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