one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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