I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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