I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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