genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found a bag of teeth...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
