I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
