I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
