You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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