then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
