I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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