I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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