i need an iv and a liver transplant
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
