Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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