tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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