Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
