problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
