For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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