He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
