my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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