i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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